Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
