she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
