ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
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