Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
