I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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