Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
