She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
