sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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