I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize