he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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