im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
