Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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