she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
