Umm I'm too high to move.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
