Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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