i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
