you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
