Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
