turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
