Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
