News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i wish my penis had a tongue
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
