and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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