Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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