I feel great
I just peed on a car
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
