You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
