Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
nutella sex= disaster
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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