Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
