Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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