I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The Olympian is in my bed
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
