I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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