I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
