I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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