so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
