Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Holy sore nipples Batman
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
