I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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