This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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