If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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