Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
