the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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