Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
