I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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