So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
