I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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