great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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