also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
