you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
