I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
