I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
