my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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