and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
