i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
