Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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