I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
you had me at cake vodka
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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