He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
