Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
