You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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