Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Randomize
