Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
