At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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