Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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