Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
